Not Juliet

Every once in a while the Universe throws a curve ball at you. If you are a hotshot ballplayer who’s been training for moments like this all your waking life, you slam it out of the stadium and hit a home run. But, if you are a clumsy, idiot like me who happens to wander into the game while you are looking at something else, you get whacked in the head, turned upside down, and left to crawl out on all fours.

Most of the time I feel as if I know what I am doing, that I am in complete control of my life, and I’ve got things under control. I’m usually confident that I’ve got most things figured out and I that I don’t usually get flustered by people and circumstances. I am invulnerable and immune to it all. And then the Fates step in and remind me that I am oh-so-human after all. I never get their sense of humor, those Ladies.

I hate not knowing why things are meant to happen and why you are meant to meet certain people at a certain time in your life. Why did it have to invade my idyllic space; I was merrily jumping along, following my dream, minding my own business. I never asked for this. I hate it when I am left with my mouth wide open, my jaw scraping the floor, wondering what the fuck hit me. Why didn’t it kill me? Why did it leave me here, contemplating in the dark, with a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be?

Things would have been a lot easier if… If only… I wish… Oh well. Things do happen for a reason, don’t they? We’re just not meant to understand or know why they do sometimes. Well, most of the time. I just hate it when it happens to me. I hate hearing the three Fates cackling behind me. Yes, I know, I know. I am human after all.

A good day

Yesterday was another disco ball moment. Have you ever stared at one while it spins in the dark? An effervescent glow surrounds the globe while rogue shards of light are slashed, splintered, and shattered across the room; melodic, hypnotic, organized chaos with flashes of brilliance piercing the shadows. Monday was that kind of day.

I tossed and turned the night before—I was having my usual struggles with sleep. A moment of clarity came at 8AM, two hours before my alarm was supposed to go off. I was dragged to the kitchen by my stomach; the call of pancakes was too difficult to ignore and my body was too exhausted to resist. With elegant dexterity (from God-knows-where), I whipped up a fluffy, golden batch, and with equal maladroit I greedily gorged on each one, piece by honey-soaked piece.

I knew the day was going to be a good one. I could think. I could feel. I was going to have a normal productive day. Bursts of lucidity allowed me to work, but sleep claimed me again at around noon.

Sometimes I feel as if I observe myself too closely.

I woke up. I ate lunch. I worked. I emailed. I blogged.

Right after dinner I was ambushed by a migraine wielding a high-speed jackhammer. It pounced silently from behind and started drilling from the base of my neck to my right eye. Jelly bean lights danced across the walls of my room. Sleep was my refuge. Another day ended just as I thought I was getting the hang of it.

But sleep is a fickle friend. I woke up at 2AM just in time for the re-run of HOUSE. I bawled like an idiot. I could fall in love with Hugh Laurie, even with an American accent. Okay, I’ll even take the wimpy, spineless, half-evil Australian youngling.

I am bearing my solitude calmly than usual. In the dark, I go on endlessly trawling (trolling) the streets of my head for hours on end and never meeting anyone—not even myself

Fútbol mania

The football season officially started last weekend. At least for me. Various teams have been playing friendlies throughout the tail end of July and the beginning of August, but the real games started in England last Saturday. I don’t know how these people could play competitively after the grueling World Cup matches. Well, okay, come to think of it, they are paid millions of dollars to run around the pitch hoping for a chance to kick the ball. Harump, they shouldn’t complain, right?

I am just a little bit disappointed that my fave Premiership team, Arsenal, drew on their first match. Case of the rusties or are they already starting to miss the players they lost to richer clubs (read: backed by Russian drug Lords)? It’s a little too early to panic, so I will just let them be.

I can’t wait for La Liga to start next weekend. I can’t wait to see Barça play again...And kick Real Madrid’s ass. Teeheehee. It’s still a long way away (they face each other on the 22nd of October), but I’m already looking forward to it! Let’s see some action!

August

I always have mixed feelings about August. It’s the time of year when the sun mercilessly blazes the whole day without relief, while the nights grow balmy and indigo dark. It is accompanied by volatile and indecisive weather; monsoon rains and tropical depressions form in the east and heat waves reign in the west. It’s as if the earth is heaving with anticipation for the coming birth pains—its nine months is almost up. It’s time to give it up.

It doesn’t matter where I am; August still feels the same way. It’s melancholy and silent, like someone tethering on a wire over a precipice. You are all alone and you could fall and no one would hear you or you could fly and your wings would bring you closer to the sun.

I can’t say that I am crazy about August, but I can definitely say that I can’t live without it. I was born on this month some odd years ago. Which is probably the reason why I have so much affinity and dislike for it; sometimes I can burst into flames with so much passion and intensity for everyone to see or I could disappear into a cesspool of murky, uneven shadows where no one dares to follow.

This month has always brought me changes. For one thing, I turn a year older every year. What have I got show for, I ask myself sometimes, when that day comes. And on some years, like this one, I couldn’t care less that it happened once again. We all have to grow old anyways.

Most of my plans come into fruition or end in August—I moved back to the Philippines twice, moved out of 3 apartments (or is it 4?), received acceptance and rejection letters from schools, awarded two scholarships, etc, etc. Dreams are born at the same time hope is discarded. I go along with the year. I always feel the need to purge and reap the fruits of my labor and to face the repercussions of my actions. Time’s up. Now I have to move on.

The month is almost over and I am still undecided if I want it to end. September brings a different set of feelings and responsibilities. Am I ready for my new life? Am I ready for the end of the year? Am I ready for the birth pains? I don’t really know, but I have 12 days to find out.

Disturbing news

The M/V Solar I, an oil tanker chartered by Petron, the country’s largest oil refiner, sank off the coast of Guimaras Island in Central Philippines. Copious amounts of deadly, viscous fuel have reached several islands in the Visayas region (hello, including the island where I was born, Negros!) and are now spreading and slithering their way to the Guimaras Strait. Aside from the virgin white sand beaches, a number of marine sanctuaries and unspoiled coral reefs and mangrove forests are now in danger of being engulfed by this dark and silent monster. It has already destroyed an important feeding and breeding ground for fish and other species in the area. Protected species such as the dugong, green and hawksbill turtles, and several cetacean species live along the Strait and are now in danger of disappearing completely.

WWF (formerly known as the World Wildlife Fund, one of the world's largest and most respected independent conservation organizations in the world) hopes everyone involved and affected by this disaster—from the coastguard, to the oil industry, local fishermen and coastal communities—would cooperate in creating a national oil spill contingency plan to handle this crisis. I don’t know if there is a real plan out there from the government, but I hope someone mobilizes these people soon. There are species and industries literally dying out there as we speak!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go out there and do your part to save our environment. Go to WWF’s website for more information about the accident, then check out WWF-Philippines’ site to find out about the different ways on how you could help. Do something! You could even just talk about this with your family, friends, and co-workers. Or email them. Remember, every little thing counts. We could all make a difference.