Monday, September 11

Lesson



Hermit
6B pencil on A4 paper

11 September 2006


My former Life Drawing professor would freak if he sees this. I guess because I still insist on illustrating instead of drawing. He said I had a style though, which was good, and that he could see that I draw the way I sculpt. We went to the zoo a couple of times to sketch the animals and, at the end of the day, my hippos, giraffes, lions, and birds looked like a menagerie of my plaster models. It’s those lines and the way I compose my pictures. At first glance they exude Zen-like silence; when you sit beside them for a while, though, you could see that the clean lines are there to keep what’s inside from bursting out.

I am learning to be messy and chase the shadows.

Sunday, September 10

Enduring Creation and random thoughts


Temperance
6B pencil on A4 paper
10 September 2006


My friend M and I used to play this game when we were bored—we would ask each other “If you were a ___________, what would you be?” The questions would be popped in the weirdest of places and the most inopportune of moments. “If you were a pencil…” was asked at 4AM, whilst smoking, sitting on a bench, opposite the Metro stop, waiting for the sign to come alive. My favorite so far was this: “If you were a disease, what would you be?” I am almost always Manic Depressive. We asked this question in the middle of a storm, standing outside a closed pastry shop, under a tattered green awning, at 5PM, with our stomachs growling.

This is a drawing I did in under an hour. I stopped working on her face when I realized she was starting to look like me. She’s slightly askew. I hate that she came out so clean. She will probably become a part of something bigger.

Temperance, the Fourteenth of the Major Arcana in a regular Tarot deck, generally means “Mature adaptation to whatever life offers; individualized existence.” Reversed: Unfortunate combinations.

Pain. Old French peine; Italian pena. The root taps down to Latin: poena.

According to Random House Webster’s Dictionary, Temperance means, 1. “moderation or self-restraint. 2. total abstinence from alcoholic liquors."

It’s time to eat another bag of Boy Bawang (that’s yummy, garlicky roasted corn kernels).

Illustration Friday: Farm


Illustration Friday: Farm

This is more “abattoir” than “farm.” I started to draw an assembly line of eggs this morning, but I still haven’t figured out how to make it interesting; am still working on it. In the meantime, I am back to drawing dead birds. This is a rapid sketch using charcoal; I’ve still got flecks of black dust on my cheeks. I scanned it in B&W and inverted the colors.

I like dark things. I initially didn’t want to post an entry for this topic. Farm sounds so benign. I found a way to make it my own though. At least I am still trying! :)


Here's the original:

Saturday, September 9

Child of Saturn

Nuir d’été, 1890 (Musée d’Orsay)
Homer Winslow (1836-1910)



Something clicked into place inside me. I awoke with a start, jumped out of bed as the sun rose, and started cleaning my room. I threw open all the windows, scrubbed the floorboards, dusted my bookshelves, and changed the sheets. I rearranged the furniture with Herculean determination; I would have torn down walls and transplanted my room to a sunnier spot had I not realized that I was only renting a room and did not own the place. General cleaning was in order.

This could be the effect of the Full Moon or it could be that I just got tired of being tired. I spent the whole day yesterday in bed, nursing a colossal hangover. I didn’t really drink that much; with two bottles of beer and a sip of cheap red wine, I willed myself into drunkenness. I was desperate for a reprieve from that barren child who had been spending endless hours splayed on the floor, defeated, reeking with suffocating saturnine malaise and dripping with melancholy.

I was only able to slip away from her tight grip for a couple of hours. When I opened my eyes she was roosting on my chest, scratching the lint on my shirt with muddied claws, staring at the black moth that somehow got into my room. I wonder if she would let it escape. Too exhausted to move, I allowed myself to be swallowed by darkness. An hour later and I was up. She had moved to a corner, her scraggly head resting on a pile of dirty clothes. The moth was gone.

I rummaged through the fridge for nourishment. I opened a bag of fresh greens. My body was screaming for meat, but I couldn’t be bothered to cook. I finished half a gallon of water hoping that would flush down the toxins and cobwebs from my system. There was still no running water (it was the third day; the manager of the building said it would be back by tomorrow) and the electricity was low. I could turn on the fan but not the lights, the telly but not the computer. Frustrated, I return to my room. Mélancolie, as I now start calling her, coaxed me to return to bed. With nothing to do, I gave in. Sleep took over instantly.

It was dark outside when I woke up. The lights were still not working; I turn on the TV. Not even the Sports News could rouse an emotion from me. Spain lost to Northern Ireland? I turn my head the other way and face the wretched creature that has been siphoning my energy. I study her face with indifference—her slithery hair shining in half light, weathered skin that was both greasy and parched, pudgy and taut, her eyes drowning in darkened sockets. She was not malevolent in any way, I realized. She was just devoid of everything; a useless lump of mass occupying space for no reason at all.

I began talking to her, asking her questions. She remained in her wraith-like state, more interested in flicking specks of dirt from her nails than speaking to me. I poked, I prodded. WHY ARE YOU HERE?!? Her apathy enraged me. I started pulling her at her yellow-stained sleeves. I pushed her off the bed. I grabbed her neck and threw her against the night table. WHY? WHY? WHY? Not a screech, a whimper, a moan. WILL YOU EVER LET ME GO? My head started to throb. I wanted to kill.

I stepped back and started to weep. The scream that was thrashing inside my lungs for days was no longer silent. Primordial anger, hate, sorrow, pride, guilt, and wrath pulsated within my shell, erupting from my chest, tearing down the stone cold moor around my heart. I am sorry. I was wrong.

I sat in front of her; I am shivering. She doesn’t ask for comfort or care; I offer her none. I reached for the nearest trinket on the table, a half-eaten chocolate bar, and left it beside her. I bid her goodnight.

Something clicked into place within me this morning. She is gone. Saturn’s child will be back someday. In the meantime I am alone again. I am free to open the windows and air out my soul.


Sunday, September 3

Illustration Friday: Safe





This week's topic is "Safe." Great timing. I've been struggling with this concept for the past couple of days. Here's a recent entry from my journal.

Saturday, September 2

Oya


Grumpy Cat
Originally uploaded by
Fith Fathing Magic.

This is my cat, Oya. Well… not exactly. She’s my ex-flat mate’s cat, but I considered her as my own. I haven’t seen her for over a year. I miss her.

Oya just turned 5. Her owner calls her an “enana,” a dwarf, because she is smaller than most cats. She was the runt of the litter, but she was the most beguiling of the bunch. While the rest of her brothers and sisters were purring and brushed themselves against the legs of their potential owners, this little one just sat in the middle of the room and pointedly ignored the humans who were cooing and ahhing around them. She looked absolutely bored and would stare down the other kittens that pranced around, running after dust balls. She won the heart of E, my ex-flat mate. She took her home and named her after a tiny city in Galicia.

She was hiding when I went to the apartment to check out the room I was thinking of renting. I had no idea E kept a pet in the house. The apartment was spacious, newly renovated, but the room was a closet. I had my doubts about living there until I saw the cat litter tucked behind the potted plants in the veranda. I asked E about it and she confessed that she indeed had a cat but it was anti-social and stayed away from people, even her sister who was a regular fixture at the flat. She assured me that it would stay out of my way so she hoped that that wouldn’t be a problem with me. I immediately agreed to get the room. I’ve always wanted to own a cat, anti-social or not. I grew up in a house full of dogs—up to 8 at some point—so I never got a chance to see if I could get along with a feline pet. I left and returned after an hour with the deposit. That’s when I saw Oya for the first time as she popped her head from behind the enormous plant in the living room. A glimpse of that tiny face and I knew that I had made the right decision.

She stayed away from me the first couple of days. I was noisily transferring and rearranging my stuff as I tried to settle in my new space. I caught her once, though, sniffing at my bags, and then she ran away when she realized that I was looking. She finally graced me with her presence after a week of playing hide and seek. I was reading a book, perched on one end of the sofa, when she silently entered the living room and parked herself on a large pillow on the floor. I tried not to get too excited and stopped myself from calling out to her. I coolly looked at her direction and continued to read. She looked back at me as if to acknowledge my greeting then proceeded to groom herself. I was thrilled.

Our silent routine continued for the rest of the week, but on each succeeding night she would sit closer and closer to me. First, she stretched herself on the floor beside the pillow, then the following day, she curled up beside my shoes, then the other side of the sofa, then the middle, and, finally, beside me. We would sit side by side for days until she finally let me scratch her back. I had made a new friend.

My ex-flat mate was surprised and impressed by our growing friendship. She encouraged it by letting me feed Oya; on Mondays I gave her her weekly treat. I would scream “Lata!” (Tin) and she would appear. She ate the dry stuff but absolutely loved her pâté-like meal.

She remained loyal to E but ignored our other flat mate. He chased after her the minute he moved into the house, but she never warmed up to him. He gave up. We, on the other hand, became fast friends, constant companions through thick and thin. She was there when I broke down when I received a call from home and found out that an old friend had passed away. I rushed into my room and she followed. She curled up beside me and stayed there through the night. She found solace in my room when we would hold parties at the apartment. She also remained there when E left for a month to visit her family.

Although we never talked or exchanged stories about ourselves, we formed a bond that I will forever cherish. I feel sometimes that I made better friends with her than the other people I met during that time. I miss those lazy mornings when we would sit on the floor of the balcony, me with my mug of hot java and ciggies and Oya pawing at the geraniums. We would sit there for a long time watching the busy bustle of the city below. On cold winter days, we would compete over the sliver of sunlight that would filter through the window or the perfect space in front of the heater.

Some people say it’s silly to regard animals as our friends. We “humanize” pets, give them personalities and treat them as if they were Homo sapiens when they are smaller-brained animals, beings in the lower rungs of the food chain who cannot possibly think and feel like us let alone understand us. But who cares? I don’t have to be Dr. Doolittle to consider her as my friend. The only downside I see about this friendship is that I will not be able to talk to her on the phone or exchange text messages and emails with her. But most humans don’t even bother to do that… So?

Silly or not, I miss her. Here’s to you, Oya. Shine bright, my little one.







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All images and content, unless otherwise noted, belong to and are the property of Stephanie Palallos. I’m just an artist doing my best to create. Please don’t steal my work! :)