Killing time before the Real Madrid-FC Barcelona game

Bleary day

It’s almost 2 in the morning and I am waiting for the big La Liga football match on TVE. I don’t even know if they will air it, but I can always follow the game online. So, with nothing better to do, I go back to the question I posted here on the 13th of November: Must Art come from tension?

A lot of people seem to think so. This belief has surely reinforced the idea of the tortured artist all these years. They say that the tension comes from the artist’s perception of the world and how he must demand for the truth. This insatiable thirst for meaning is one of the reasons why Art is closely linked with madness and depression. Imagine thinking about so many things at the same time and not have the ability to grasp all of it at once or do anything about it. But do you really have to get into that hole to make Art?

I have to say that I agree in a way. Art, at least in my case, comes from a feeling of nervousness and restlessness. I don’t know about hacking off an ear and all that, but I do feel that tension. My art (not with a capital A) comes from different things, sparked by anger and boredom mostly. I get the feeling that something is not right. It’s like having an itchy spot on your back and you can’t seem to get to it. It can be annoying and exhausting if you don’t do anything about it. But I also make art when I feel like I’m on the brink of having another fit of rage. Sometimes, I just don’t know where it begins. See, it’s like the chicken and the egg for me—do I go antsy when I am not working or do I start creating something (anything!) just so the little monster in me gets pacified?

Maybe it’s both. All I know is that I go a bit loony when I don’t move. I usually end up throwing things across the room or I just growl at no one or nothing in particular. It’s really not pretty. I also go into hermit mode and pretend no one else exists. I don’t exactly do this just for my own good, I also do this to protect the people around me. You don’t want to see me angry. I don’t turn into the incredible Hulk, but like I said, it ain’t pretty. I just want people to get out of my way so that I can do my thing. But then again that’s the easy part. You can turn off your mobile and lock yourself in your bedroom anytime you want. I noticed that the hardest thing for me to do right now is to get out of my own way.

Huh? Okay, it’s like this. Let’s say I am having one of those days. I get impatient and snap at everything that moves. Sometimes, instead of just working I choose to wallow. I bathe myself in anger. Hey, it’s fun to do that sometimes! And instead of dealing with it I choose to sit in front of the TV and surf the channels rather than pick up a pencil. I know I get in my way when I head for my bed and give in to my laziness. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I can’t get a grip and I forget to take care of myself. How do you tell yourself to bugger off and let the work emerge? Now that’s not pretty at all and it can be really scary.

HA HA! I should stop right here before I tie myself up in knots. I have a match to catch and I want to enjoy every bit of it. Time to cool off. Maybe I should just read all the pre-game stats. So I guess I’ll have to leave this question again for the moment. Maybe I’ll be a little bit more lucid next time.